It takes a man to raise a daughter to grow into a well adjusted and confident woman. As a girl myself, I know the importance of having a strong relationship with my father during those crucial development years. It was during the periods I saw little of him that I found myself struggling for identity, direction and affection.
As a girl grows into a woman her connection to her mother fades as her connection to her father becomes vital. Girls fight with their mothers during those years and beg for the attention of their fathers. They need their dad in ways they don’t understand. They crave his approval and fear his disapproval. Nothing is more frightening to a little girl then disappointing her father and when she becomes a woman nothing is more frightening to her than disappointing her partner. Girls seek the approval of the men in their lives. They take criticism from fathers and partners more harshly than any one else can deliver it. The messages a father sends to his daughters and a man to his wife are heard with a force that delivers those messages directly to her heart. It takes a man, a confident, secure, gentle, affectionate man to raise a girl to become a confident woman. It takes the same sort of man to love that woman.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Real People
In attendance at a social event this past weekend I heard the expression “she’s real people.” I haven’t heard this expression in some time and it got me thinking about what it means to be a “real” person. Why do we work so hard to be someone we are not or to fit into social circles we truly don’t belong to? What if our reality is much different from someone else’s reality; does that then make us less real to them? I think the answer might be found in the oxymoron - complicated simplicity.
Consider first, that if I set a standard of living and socializing for myself that does match your standard of living and socializing am I not meeting your standards or are you not meeting mine? Which one of us is less “real” in this case? That is a complicated question without an easy answer. So perhaps we need to look at this in terms of simplicity. It was pointed out to me recently that “things are usually not as simple as they initially appear to be.”
This reminds of a discussion I had with a friend a few weeks back. He is a highly successful specialist with a rewarding career and the luxury of building several homes; one of which has been featured internationally in architecture magazines. He grew up in a different culture and time than I did, yet we are able to appreciate our different experiences.
During our conversation about raising kids today, he explained his philosophy that teaching teenagers to make choices based on a complete understanding of consequences was not only simple but all that was really necessary. I explained that I made choices based on an understanding of the consequences yet it was not as simple as he claimed it to be and my reality was much different from the one he had experienced. Did that make his reality less real or was it my reality that wasn’t quite real? In truth they were both real, just very different.
Going back to the comment “she is real people,” I have to conclude that what she meant by the comment was that “real” doesn’t mean true, actual, or ideal, as much as it means “the same as me.”
In this context, I learned how profoundly our experiences shape our realities. People often relate easily to one another when their experiences are similar and struggle to or cannot relate when those experiences are quite different. If our realities are vastly different from one another we are bound to feel much less real to each other than when our realities are the same or similar. This fact alone does not make us less real, it makes our realities different.
Often those differences are celebrated on the surface but in the context of close intimate relationships and interconnected friendships those differences create a space between us that make us feel like true connections with one another might be impossible. Our personal experience of reality causes us to seek out people who have similar personal experiences because they feel the most real to us. But regardless of how different or alike we might be, the complicated simplicity is that we are all real people.
Consider first, that if I set a standard of living and socializing for myself that does match your standard of living and socializing am I not meeting your standards or are you not meeting mine? Which one of us is less “real” in this case? That is a complicated question without an easy answer. So perhaps we need to look at this in terms of simplicity. It was pointed out to me recently that “things are usually not as simple as they initially appear to be.”
This reminds of a discussion I had with a friend a few weeks back. He is a highly successful specialist with a rewarding career and the luxury of building several homes; one of which has been featured internationally in architecture magazines. He grew up in a different culture and time than I did, yet we are able to appreciate our different experiences.
During our conversation about raising kids today, he explained his philosophy that teaching teenagers to make choices based on a complete understanding of consequences was not only simple but all that was really necessary. I explained that I made choices based on an understanding of the consequences yet it was not as simple as he claimed it to be and my reality was much different from the one he had experienced. Did that make his reality less real or was it my reality that wasn’t quite real? In truth they were both real, just very different.
Going back to the comment “she is real people,” I have to conclude that what she meant by the comment was that “real” doesn’t mean true, actual, or ideal, as much as it means “the same as me.”
In this context, I learned how profoundly our experiences shape our realities. People often relate easily to one another when their experiences are similar and struggle to or cannot relate when those experiences are quite different. If our realities are vastly different from one another we are bound to feel much less real to each other than when our realities are the same or similar. This fact alone does not make us less real, it makes our realities different.
Often those differences are celebrated on the surface but in the context of close intimate relationships and interconnected friendships those differences create a space between us that make us feel like true connections with one another might be impossible. Our personal experience of reality causes us to seek out people who have similar personal experiences because they feel the most real to us. But regardless of how different or alike we might be, the complicated simplicity is that we are all real people.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Code
I have been thinking about what it would take to build a love that could last a lifetime. A code that would be easy to use for both partnering and parenting. Here is what I came up with. Only three simply rules.
# 1 - Let me be who I am and support me in my growth. Accept me as is but don’t hesitate to help me improve myself in areas I struggle. Offer to me the chance to grow and learn something about myself and others. Point out to me when you think I could do something better but do so lovingly and without attack. Offer to me a suggestion but let me use my own free will to decide if I want to change. Don’t try to change something about me just because you don’t like it. Accept that we are different and those differences enrich our lives and relationships.
# 2 - Communicate and correct the wrongs and hurts as they happen. Communicate to me when something I have done has hurt you. Allow me the chance to correct my wrongs and keep them from occurring again. No matter how hard it is to do, you must tell me when I hurt you; I can’t read your mind. I will communicate the same to you and do so in a respectful manner. I will not yell at you, I will speak to you. I expect that you will listen.
# 3 – Remember that all love is helpless and delicate and it requires care. Much like a flower, love provides great rewards and much joy if you care for it. But if you forget to feed and water it, it will fade and die. It is forever dependent on protection and nutrients if it is to survive. Time and attention will keep it alive forever.
I tried to come up with something more that you had to have to build and keep a loving relationship that will last a lifetime but everything I came up with linked back to one of these three things. Could it really be that simple?
# 1 - Let me be who I am and support me in my growth. Accept me as is but don’t hesitate to help me improve myself in areas I struggle. Offer to me the chance to grow and learn something about myself and others. Point out to me when you think I could do something better but do so lovingly and without attack. Offer to me a suggestion but let me use my own free will to decide if I want to change. Don’t try to change something about me just because you don’t like it. Accept that we are different and those differences enrich our lives and relationships.
# 2 - Communicate and correct the wrongs and hurts as they happen. Communicate to me when something I have done has hurt you. Allow me the chance to correct my wrongs and keep them from occurring again. No matter how hard it is to do, you must tell me when I hurt you; I can’t read your mind. I will communicate the same to you and do so in a respectful manner. I will not yell at you, I will speak to you. I expect that you will listen.
# 3 – Remember that all love is helpless and delicate and it requires care. Much like a flower, love provides great rewards and much joy if you care for it. But if you forget to feed and water it, it will fade and die. It is forever dependent on protection and nutrients if it is to survive. Time and attention will keep it alive forever.
I tried to come up with something more that you had to have to build and keep a loving relationship that will last a lifetime but everything I came up with linked back to one of these three things. Could it really be that simple?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Having Enough
Having enough love is a matter of where you put your appreciation, not where you put your opportunity.
Having enough pleasure is a matter of where you place your joy, not where you place your
wishes.
Having enough hope is a matter of where you place your faith, not where you place your expectations.
Having enough money is a matter of where you put your perspective, not where you put your decimal point.
Having enough of the things you need most is a matter of where you place your loyalty, not where you place your demands.
As long as I am free to love someone as much as I wish to love them, I have enough love, pleasure, hope, money and all the things I need to last me forever.
Having enough pleasure is a matter of where you place your joy, not where you place your
wishes.
Having enough hope is a matter of where you place your faith, not where you place your expectations.
Having enough money is a matter of where you put your perspective, not where you put your decimal point.
Having enough of the things you need most is a matter of where you place your loyalty, not where you place your demands.
As long as I am free to love someone as much as I wish to love them, I have enough love, pleasure, hope, money and all the things I need to last me forever.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
A Little 4 Letter Word
Our will brings into being that which we intend to have in our lives. It holds us to our thoughts and choices, our desires and wants and gives us the determination to make things happen. It is the energy that creates our reality. It is all of our intentions, desires and fears in bed together. The intimacy and power is intense and together they make love and war.
Our will is responsible for all the good and bad in our lives. We may intend to have happiness and peace but we often hold it back out of fear, pain and need for control. Our will to keep things as they and not to suffer pain or loss is more powerful than our intention for happiness and peace.
While our intention is passive, our will is aggressive. We may intend to overcome a struggle or loss but without active participation from our will our intentions are diluted and sometimes entirely lost. No doubt that intention is a powerful force of energy and manifestation but will is the king of the Gods. Will is the force that drives us to correct the wrongs, to face the fears, to undo the damage that has been done. Will is the drive that keeps us going when the night is too long, the road is too rough or we simply cannot fight any more. Will is the tremendous strength when hope seams lost, the vigor when the odds are impossible, and the drive when justice must be served.
We are born into the world with the will to survive and little else. Our will is the most powerful thing we possess yet we often fail to understand the magnitude of its majesty and honor it as the divinity that is within each us.
Where there is a Will, there is always a way… and my Will only grows stronger.
Our will is responsible for all the good and bad in our lives. We may intend to have happiness and peace but we often hold it back out of fear, pain and need for control. Our will to keep things as they and not to suffer pain or loss is more powerful than our intention for happiness and peace.
While our intention is passive, our will is aggressive. We may intend to overcome a struggle or loss but without active participation from our will our intentions are diluted and sometimes entirely lost. No doubt that intention is a powerful force of energy and manifestation but will is the king of the Gods. Will is the force that drives us to correct the wrongs, to face the fears, to undo the damage that has been done. Will is the drive that keeps us going when the night is too long, the road is too rough or we simply cannot fight any more. Will is the tremendous strength when hope seams lost, the vigor when the odds are impossible, and the drive when justice must be served.
We are born into the world with the will to survive and little else. Our will is the most powerful thing we possess yet we often fail to understand the magnitude of its majesty and honor it as the divinity that is within each us.
Where there is a Will, there is always a way… and my Will only grows stronger.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Human Dancers
It is when we feel most defeated and experience the greatest loss of control that we are drawn to make spontaneous choices that will forever change our circumstances for better or worse but never knowing which until it has been done.
Often those choices empower us for a brief moment in time. They may take us to places we didn’t realize we were capable of going but they also make us human and remind us of our animal nature and our intense quest for survival. We do so in order to feel alive and in control so we don’t have to face the reality that we are lost and dying for direction. Finding ourselves enervated, we plead with the world to deliver us wisdom, to answer our prayers, to command our direction. We meander rather senselessly down a path, while being pulled in any direction, sometimes without realizing it, sometimes because we reach out with questions that have no answers.
Nevertheless we move forward knowing that if we stop moving, we will surly die. We seek and find, we ask and are answered, we wonder and discover, that the world is full of energy. Yet, the question remains, are we human or are we dancers…
Often those choices empower us for a brief moment in time. They may take us to places we didn’t realize we were capable of going but they also make us human and remind us of our animal nature and our intense quest for survival. We do so in order to feel alive and in control so we don’t have to face the reality that we are lost and dying for direction. Finding ourselves enervated, we plead with the world to deliver us wisdom, to answer our prayers, to command our direction. We meander rather senselessly down a path, while being pulled in any direction, sometimes without realizing it, sometimes because we reach out with questions that have no answers.
Nevertheless we move forward knowing that if we stop moving, we will surly die. We seek and find, we ask and are answered, we wonder and discover, that the world is full of energy. Yet, the question remains, are we human or are we dancers…
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