Struggling with avoidance and emotional unavailability is just about impossible when you don’t know what those things are.
The journey started 6 years ago when I was told to “secure your own mask first.” I agreed with this but I wasn’t really sure how to do just that. So I crawled, one step at a time until I was finally up on my feet and walking.
I am discovering now the incredible power in being who I really am and it feels astounding. I used to "dial myself back a notch" out of fear of how it would be perceived. I was told that I lived a rich and colorful inner life and spent a lot of time in my own head. I was aware that my thoughts tended to be diverse, at times controversial and unlike anyone else I knew. They just did not line up with the already accepted values in the common world so I simply avoided taking any chances of being discovered as the odd one out. I feared the rejection so I avoided it.
Not long ago I wouldn’t have been able to admit that most of my life has been a struggle to live up to someone else's ideals or to society’s acceptable norms as a whole. I have never felt particularly good at anything not because someone told me that I wasn’t but because I believed I could do better than I was doing and perhaps expected and even demanded more of myself than anyone had expected of me. I didn’t seek approval from others but I wasn’t willing to give it to myself either. I suspect this was a product of an overly relaxed childhood where very little was expected and therefore I learned set and strive for my own standards. Standards I set so high at times I consistently failed to achieve them.
I worked hard not to draw attention to myself because I learned to fear negative attention, disapproval and rejection. That fear was strong enough that I would rather avoid drawing any attention all together than to be the recipient of negative attention. However, that is changing quickly now as I have been able to reach down into the very core of that fear and ostracize it. I am no longer the person I once was; reserved, quiet, protective, passive and fearful. I am all the things I have strived to become but wasn’t willing to acknowledge, confident, outgoing, secure, loyal, polite, and passionate. A great deal has changed in just a short time but the work I had to do to arrive here was a very long road and a delicate struggle.
Learning to simply take the risk and talk to people, to build and nurture relationships that I once imagined out of my reach, was a challenge worth taking on. This is all very new to me and largely inspired by the support of several people I respect greatly and love dearly. To them I cannot be grateful enough.
I am still "testing" my new legs. They are a bit wobbly but at least I am walking on my own now. The struggle with avoidance is over for good. Yet I can’t help but notice the irony in how avoiding building and nurturing relationships most of my life may have contributed to my passion to study and understanding the dynamics of human interactions and behavior. Fascinated with the very thing I feared most and determined to comprehend every facet of it but afraid to approach it in real life has let me to the only career identification I will ever need: Human Relations Architect.
I am a new breed of the odd one out and finally proud to discover just who that is.
“Everything in my life brought me here” – Rainer Marie Milke
I refuse to look back and regret what I missed. I only look forward and wonder what great things are yet to come.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Meaning of Life - Victor Frankl
Victor Frankl is utterly amazing and my search for a psychologist or philosopher of today who "made total sense" has finally come to an end. I am only sorry that he lived during my lifetime but died a decade before I became aware of him. His legacy like many before him grows as his life's work begins to disseminate not just into the culture of psychology but that of human existence as well. The questions I have asked since childhood are finally answered.
For some professionals (i.e. politicians and social reformist) the importance of what they do is recognized during their lifetime and in the present, while for many others such as researchers and scientists the true importance of their work is not always fully realized until after their death. The movement or shift in the field of psychoanalysis that represented the life work of Victor Frankl is refereed to as the "Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy." It began in the late 1950's and 1960's and was felt mostly in Europe. It has not been widely accepted in the United States but I have little doubt that it will be (I of such amazing faith ;-) and that of course it should be. Perhaps it only needs someone to connect it to the force of the feminist movement here in the U.S. Perhaps it requires someone to bring even greater meaning to his work to finally break open the true force of his discovery.
His work is utterly brilliant and his life lived with purpose. Through my dabbling in psychology over the past 15 years I have always felt a little stuck when searching for answers and finding only partial answers. Often I sensed that while a researcher had done ground breaking and important work, the work was not yet complete and there was more to be learned and built upon. I have been fascinated by and have spent a good deal of time studying and understanding many of the various fields in psychology but psychoanalysis has always been the one field that draws me back to it with seductive force.
That said, it has always felt incomplete to me on some deeper level. As if the potential for the answers were there but not yet fully realized. Freud and Adler both dedicated their lives to the brilliant awareness of people as mental beings driven by internal forces. Yet Freud missed the mark in his theory of "will to pleasure" based on sexual drive and Adler missed the essence in his theory of "will to power" based on personal drive to succeed. Someone at sometime would eventually need to follow with an even greater truth. Personally, I have always believed that the "will to belong" (based entirely on my own mental musing and introspection) was the true driving force of all human existence and only when a person dedicated their life to this theory and uncovering the meaning behind this drive would we find ourselves on the mark and capturing the real essence of human existence and will.
My search has finally come to an end, Victor Frankl is that person. He was influenced by personal contact with both Freud and Adler. He survived the horrors of a Nazi concentration camp and did not become bitter about those experiences but yet forgiving and perhaps even thankful for them. He had lost everything, his entire family, friends, and the first manuscript of his life's work, yet he emerged from destitute and started over. Victor Frankl hit the mark and captured the essence with the "will to meaning" based on the need to find purpose in living.
Reading his work and listening to his story “The Meaning of Life” has finally filled me with the sense of "that's it, that is exactly what I have been searching for." This was all I needed to know to finally realize I have found the eternal answer to my questions. Having found my own meaning and purpose in life I did not yet realize that understanding the power of just knowing I have a meaning and a purpose would provide the last missing piece of the puzzle. Suddenly everything makes perfect sense and the vision is entirely whole. Now I can use my purpose and meaning knowing it is all I will ever need to get through what ever lies ahead of me. It’s brilliant!
For some professionals (i.e. politicians and social reformist) the importance of what they do is recognized during their lifetime and in the present, while for many others such as researchers and scientists the true importance of their work is not always fully realized until after their death. The movement or shift in the field of psychoanalysis that represented the life work of Victor Frankl is refereed to as the "Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy." It began in the late 1950's and 1960's and was felt mostly in Europe. It has not been widely accepted in the United States but I have little doubt that it will be (I of such amazing faith ;-) and that of course it should be. Perhaps it only needs someone to connect it to the force of the feminist movement here in the U.S. Perhaps it requires someone to bring even greater meaning to his work to finally break open the true force of his discovery.
His work is utterly brilliant and his life lived with purpose. Through my dabbling in psychology over the past 15 years I have always felt a little stuck when searching for answers and finding only partial answers. Often I sensed that while a researcher had done ground breaking and important work, the work was not yet complete and there was more to be learned and built upon. I have been fascinated by and have spent a good deal of time studying and understanding many of the various fields in psychology but psychoanalysis has always been the one field that draws me back to it with seductive force.
That said, it has always felt incomplete to me on some deeper level. As if the potential for the answers were there but not yet fully realized. Freud and Adler both dedicated their lives to the brilliant awareness of people as mental beings driven by internal forces. Yet Freud missed the mark in his theory of "will to pleasure" based on sexual drive and Adler missed the essence in his theory of "will to power" based on personal drive to succeed. Someone at sometime would eventually need to follow with an even greater truth. Personally, I have always believed that the "will to belong" (based entirely on my own mental musing and introspection) was the true driving force of all human existence and only when a person dedicated their life to this theory and uncovering the meaning behind this drive would we find ourselves on the mark and capturing the real essence of human existence and will.
My search has finally come to an end, Victor Frankl is that person. He was influenced by personal contact with both Freud and Adler. He survived the horrors of a Nazi concentration camp and did not become bitter about those experiences but yet forgiving and perhaps even thankful for them. He had lost everything, his entire family, friends, and the first manuscript of his life's work, yet he emerged from destitute and started over. Victor Frankl hit the mark and captured the essence with the "will to meaning" based on the need to find purpose in living.
Reading his work and listening to his story “The Meaning of Life” has finally filled me with the sense of "that's it, that is exactly what I have been searching for." This was all I needed to know to finally realize I have found the eternal answer to my questions. Having found my own meaning and purpose in life I did not yet realize that understanding the power of just knowing I have a meaning and a purpose would provide the last missing piece of the puzzle. Suddenly everything makes perfect sense and the vision is entirely whole. Now I can use my purpose and meaning knowing it is all I will ever need to get through what ever lies ahead of me. It’s brilliant!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
To Serve and Protect
How do you tell someone the realty of how complex your life has been. How do you reveal yourself at a deeper level to friends, partners, current and future family members without causing them to banish you to the no Christmas card list. Of course I wonder what people will think, of course I wonder how my reality will impact their opinion of me, of course I suspect they will judge my clumsy past transgressions as merit of my future choices. Regardless I will never forget how far I have come and how hard I had to work to get here today.
On this journey I have determined there are two types of people in the world, those who put their not so perfect history in a neat little box, set it carefully on the basement floor and place a dragon next to the box to forever protect it's contents and those who dig deep into those not so perfect histories looking for answers, lessons and the power to overcome the past. I am choosing the latter and forever banish the former from my life. I have expereinced a good deal of struggle in my short life and have seen even more in my role as a foster parent, domestic violence advocate and court appointed special advocate (CASA) for children. Each of these roles has shapped my vision of how incredible the power of the human spirt is to overcome. They are my inspiration for providing children with the tools they require to navigate their own lives and overcome and perserve against all the odds.
To serve and protect is not reserved for only the armed forces or the law. It is a role we choose to play. My great- grandfather came from Germany and as a sheriff he served and protected the people. My grandfather served in the war and my grandmother was involved in politics and education. I am the living legacy of those who have come before me and I will not fail to take the same vow to serve and protect.
In my role to serve and protect I have founded a non-profit to teach children self respect and resiliance. To teach empathy and respect for others. Without those things our ability to protect ourselves greatly limits our capacity to serve and protect others.
Visit Prevention As A Cure at www.preventionasacure.org
On this journey I have determined there are two types of people in the world, those who put their not so perfect history in a neat little box, set it carefully on the basement floor and place a dragon next to the box to forever protect it's contents and those who dig deep into those not so perfect histories looking for answers, lessons and the power to overcome the past. I am choosing the latter and forever banish the former from my life. I have expereinced a good deal of struggle in my short life and have seen even more in my role as a foster parent, domestic violence advocate and court appointed special advocate (CASA) for children. Each of these roles has shapped my vision of how incredible the power of the human spirt is to overcome. They are my inspiration for providing children with the tools they require to navigate their own lives and overcome and perserve against all the odds.
To serve and protect is not reserved for only the armed forces or the law. It is a role we choose to play. My great- grandfather came from Germany and as a sheriff he served and protected the people. My grandfather served in the war and my grandmother was involved in politics and education. I am the living legacy of those who have come before me and I will not fail to take the same vow to serve and protect.
In my role to serve and protect I have founded a non-profit to teach children self respect and resiliance. To teach empathy and respect for others. Without those things our ability to protect ourselves greatly limits our capacity to serve and protect others.
Visit Prevention As A Cure at www.preventionasacure.org
Monday, September 14, 2009
The power of anger
I have never been comfortable with expressions of anger, but I am working toward personal acceptance. Learning to appreciate anger is not a simple task. I suspect it is not at the top of most people’s agenda. As someone who values peace, positive resolution, and respect, it would seam ironic that anger has worked its way onto my character development repertoire.
I have built my life upon values that banish anger and promote peaceful resolution and yet I come to realize that anger is part of the spectrum of healthy emotion. I have also come to realize that anger is force to be reckoned with; a force that can be used for good instead of evil. Anger when strong enough can fuel the movement toward positive change. I would much rather rein and direct the power of anger toward effective growth than remain hurt and in pain over something I can do nothing about. I am quickly discovering that anger when properly harnessed can be far more effective and powerful than perhaps any other emotion we can feel.
Love is indeed another powerful emotion one which binds us together and protects us. It holds us close to one another and meets our need to belong to others. It moves us toward peace and in action against loss. Yet, anger is what motivates our intense passions and power to change. It is the power to turn pain into action. Anger can be healthy when it is used for intense purpose; to remove pain and suffering and protect and serve ourselves and others. I can imagine that all great social movements were born out of love, passion and just enough anger property directed to create and sustain action leading to enduring positive change.
I have built my life upon values that banish anger and promote peaceful resolution and yet I come to realize that anger is part of the spectrum of healthy emotion. I have also come to realize that anger is force to be reckoned with; a force that can be used for good instead of evil. Anger when strong enough can fuel the movement toward positive change. I would much rather rein and direct the power of anger toward effective growth than remain hurt and in pain over something I can do nothing about. I am quickly discovering that anger when properly harnessed can be far more effective and powerful than perhaps any other emotion we can feel.
Love is indeed another powerful emotion one which binds us together and protects us. It holds us close to one another and meets our need to belong to others. It moves us toward peace and in action against loss. Yet, anger is what motivates our intense passions and power to change. It is the power to turn pain into action. Anger can be healthy when it is used for intense purpose; to remove pain and suffering and protect and serve ourselves and others. I can imagine that all great social movements were born out of love, passion and just enough anger property directed to create and sustain action leading to enduring positive change.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Paying respect to life’s lessons
“I will always remember, I shall never forget. Today is the day I learned to appreciate life.”
Today is the anniversary of the day that changed my life not just once but twice.
9/11/01 - 8 years ago today I realized how precious life is and how fast those you love can be taken from you. I will never forget dropping to my knees, raising my hands in the air and pleading with God not to take someone I love away from me. As the tears rolled down my cheeks I choked on my words. My 4-year-old son stood watching me perplexed. Just moments earlier I had learned that my sister was not in Manhattan that day, she was in Washington D.C. After a frantic and anguished search for her I had spoken to her minutes before and she assured me that she was near the White House and FBI buildings and a safe distance from the Pentagon. Relieved I went back to listening to the news reports and praying for the people at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. My relief was short lived as the news broke that a missing airliner - we would later come to know as Flight 93 - was assumed to be high-jacked and headed toward Washington D.C. with a purposed destination likely to be the White House. The building and the surrounding area were being evacuated immediately. The details that follow are hard to recall but I remember perfectly what it felt like to hit my knees and pray in deperation as I did at that moment.
The next thing I remember clearly was picking up my older two children from school. As long as I live I won’t forget the look on my young son’s face or tone in his voice as he told his brother and sister with pure innocence and intensity, “those bad people – they took our airplanes – and they smashed them into our buildings – and that’s not nice.” I couldn’t have explained it better if I tried.
Round Two – New Lesson
9/11/02 - 7 years ago today I was with one of my dearest friends as my God daughter come into the world. The experience solidified a bond I will always have to this precious child, her mother and my appreciation for life. As I watch her grow into her own person with an incredible personality I am awed by the magnificence and uniqueness of each individual child. My heart is always with her as if she is part of me somehow. I suppose she is because she represents how precious and unique life is.
Today I remember and am humbled by the lessons I have learned; to respect life, appreciate time and understand loss.
Today is the anniversary of the day that changed my life not just once but twice.
9/11/01 - 8 years ago today I realized how precious life is and how fast those you love can be taken from you. I will never forget dropping to my knees, raising my hands in the air and pleading with God not to take someone I love away from me. As the tears rolled down my cheeks I choked on my words. My 4-year-old son stood watching me perplexed. Just moments earlier I had learned that my sister was not in Manhattan that day, she was in Washington D.C. After a frantic and anguished search for her I had spoken to her minutes before and she assured me that she was near the White House and FBI buildings and a safe distance from the Pentagon. Relieved I went back to listening to the news reports and praying for the people at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. My relief was short lived as the news broke that a missing airliner - we would later come to know as Flight 93 - was assumed to be high-jacked and headed toward Washington D.C. with a purposed destination likely to be the White House. The building and the surrounding area were being evacuated immediately. The details that follow are hard to recall but I remember perfectly what it felt like to hit my knees and pray in deperation as I did at that moment.
The next thing I remember clearly was picking up my older two children from school. As long as I live I won’t forget the look on my young son’s face or tone in his voice as he told his brother and sister with pure innocence and intensity, “those bad people – they took our airplanes – and they smashed them into our buildings – and that’s not nice.” I couldn’t have explained it better if I tried.
Round Two – New Lesson
9/11/02 - 7 years ago today I was with one of my dearest friends as my God daughter come into the world. The experience solidified a bond I will always have to this precious child, her mother and my appreciation for life. As I watch her grow into her own person with an incredible personality I am awed by the magnificence and uniqueness of each individual child. My heart is always with her as if she is part of me somehow. I suppose she is because she represents how precious and unique life is.
Today I remember and am humbled by the lessons I have learned; to respect life, appreciate time and understand loss.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Now that I know who I am
I am just about finished with the book "We are smarter than me" and not only did I really enjoy it but I believe it will stand out to me as one of those books that forever altered the course of my life. If you are starting a new company or marketing an existing one this is full of useful information about crowd sourcing. What really struck me while reading this book was the self discovery I made along the way. It was no surprise that my mind skipped around as the book unfolded. I had to check out the companies mentioned, google various new ideas and topics and in the end I found myself staring at a description and career title that finally made sense to me. For the first time ever the words 'clicked' and I was hit with the almighty 'that's it' moment. While I have tried on many titles in my life; therapist, advocate, social worker, founder, president, director, writer, visionary, none of them seamed like they described the core of my very being. They all felt more like giving names to the parts of the engine without calling it an engine. Now I have an official word title for the engine itself - Social Entrepreneur!
Never heard of it? Great! I promise you, you’re going to love this.
This week I am moving on to “Naked Conversations” by Robert Scoble and Shel Isreal. Maybe I should have read that one before I started blogging a month ago. Life is busy you do what you can and learn as you go along. It took me 33 years to learn to who I was and what I was doing but that didn’t stop me from doing it.
Bring on the Naked Conversations! I like the sound of that since this is my life, my inner world and mind at its finest and it really cannot get more naked than that.
Never heard of it? Great! I promise you, you’re going to love this.
This week I am moving on to “Naked Conversations” by Robert Scoble and Shel Isreal. Maybe I should have read that one before I started blogging a month ago. Life is busy you do what you can and learn as you go along. It took me 33 years to learn to who I was and what I was doing but that didn’t stop me from doing it.
Bring on the Naked Conversations! I like the sound of that since this is my life, my inner world and mind at its finest and it really cannot get more naked than that.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Today is a Jaguar day
At different times in my life I have found myself identifying with different symbols or animals in relation to ideas. When I am feeling renewed or newly inspired I often think of myself as going to through a changing process or rebirth and identify strongly with butterflies. I have also had a strong identification with eagles during times when I needed to observe myself and my situation. A strong desire to fly comes with those periods and they usually signal awakened awareness and understanding. Yet there are moments when I wish to do nothing but splash around and have a good time like the river otters. They have boundless energy and are full of excitement. My friends and family will admit I can be awful playful at times when I am not overly creative or serious.
Today however is much different. None of the usual symbols I have used in the past to describe how I was currently feeling seam to quite fit what I am feeling now. The butterfly, eagle and otter all have their place but not today. Today is much different, today feels like a jaguar day. I have never identified with the jaguar before. I would guess the reasons would include my profound discomfort with power and water, both of which have strong associations with the jaguar. Since I have conquered my fear of water and power in the very recent past and I not only feel like I could take them both on, I am jestingly looking for the challenge, stalking it, hunting it down like my next meal.
A jaguar is steady, strong and powerful. She is driven and energetic. She can be highly curious, playful and even a little sassy at times. She directs her energy with precision. I feel like I could take on the world and I just might try. If it is necessary to swim in the river to go after what I want, I have already leapt into the water. If I must acquiesce to my own strength in order to consummate my goals, I am already doing exactly that.
Today is a jaguar day for sure.
Today however is much different. None of the usual symbols I have used in the past to describe how I was currently feeling seam to quite fit what I am feeling now. The butterfly, eagle and otter all have their place but not today. Today is much different, today feels like a jaguar day. I have never identified with the jaguar before. I would guess the reasons would include my profound discomfort with power and water, both of which have strong associations with the jaguar. Since I have conquered my fear of water and power in the very recent past and I not only feel like I could take them both on, I am jestingly looking for the challenge, stalking it, hunting it down like my next meal.
A jaguar is steady, strong and powerful. She is driven and energetic. She can be highly curious, playful and even a little sassy at times. She directs her energy with precision. I feel like I could take on the world and I just might try. If it is necessary to swim in the river to go after what I want, I have already leapt into the water. If I must acquiesce to my own strength in order to consummate my goals, I am already doing exactly that.
Today is a jaguar day for sure.
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